The moment I decided to cheat on my husband.
Deep connection with a lost love sparked a reconnection.
Marriage is tough. When you’re married and living full-time with someone you give, you take, you compromise, you die and live a little every single day. It’s compromising and dying a little every day that wore on me until I realized that I was losing too much of myself which caused me to look for comfort with someone else.
I’ve known this person for nearly most of my life. I got my first glimpse of her when we were both really young. I couldn’t bring myself to connect with her then because I was scared. I was scared to give her the time because I was afraid of how others saw her; I was timid where she wasn’t and I felt that judgment of her would be a judgment of me. We reconnected a few years ago and started becoming close. I didn’t realize how much I missed spending time with her until I realized she was missing from my life.
It was after a very dark and challenging time when I began seeing her for the beautiful and bright person she is. I had just come through an extremely painful divorce, then lost a very dear Uncle to suicide, and then soon after my grandfather died. I was broken and distraught. Although I had loving family and friends supporting me, it wasn’t the same as having someone who knew me, truly knew me by my side.
She’s sweet, funny, strong-willed and determined - she doesn’t take any shit from anyone, and yet she’s soft and nurturing. We laugh together at the goofiest things and geek out on sci-fi movies. When I feel depressed I turn to her and she comforts me; when I feel weak her strength carries me. She is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, that woman is me.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m a highly sensitive empath but I have a repeating tendency to lose myself to the men in my life. I love having someone to care for, someone to support, someone to encourage and I love challenging them to be better versions of themselves. However, somewhere along the way, I stop doing those things for myself and I lose; I lose my shine, I lose my spirit and my fire - I lose the best parts of me.
I’m not blaming my husband or my ex-husbands for that matter, in fact, I’m not blaming anyone, not even myself. I am learning and evolving and choosing to hold onto the woman who was born from the difficult and challenging times of my life. She’s who I look to for emotional comfort. When I give her the nurturing and love that she deserves she stays with me, loving me back without condition or compromise.
Too often, to our detriment, we define ourselves based on relationships with significant others. And then, we reach a point where we don’t recognize the women we’ve become because the mold is set to the other person’s goals, dreams, and aspirations… or lack thereof.
We find ourselves at the later crossroad of life with regret for not owning our truth; going through the motions as a shell of who we really are. I don’t want that for myself and neither should you.
Of course, the best relationship goal is to connect with someone who accepts, honors and appreciates who you are but your personal goal is to stay true to yourself no matter what.
So yeah, I’m cheating on my husband with one of the most vivacious women I know. I’m choosing to spend more time honoring the woman who makes me feel beautiful, brave, loved, courageous and strong. No one can separate us because that woman is me.
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